"I just wish things were the way they used to be." -Matthew Wilson

I want that more than anybody. But the reality of it is.. That is never going happen. I haven't blogged in months mainly because this summer has been retarded. I haven't even known what to blog about. I guess I could start with the highlights.

The summer started off really bad. There were little things good about it. Like my new job. Being back at home with my family and a few friends. But basically I felt like I was being rejected by a lot of people. I felt like nobody wanted me, but I didn't understand what I did to be in the position I was. I was in a lot of pain from a situation that barely had anything to do with me. I was just on the outside, but the indirect hurt that I felt from it was unreal. The worst part? There was nothing I could do about any of it. All these things were happening and there was no way that I could stop it. I felt like everything around me was shattered.

And it was. Broken hearts. Broken spirits. Lies. Deceit. Manipulation. How did we all get to this place? What happened? When will it get better? When we will find ourselves again? Truth is.. All just so happens to not be lost. God has never left anybody. And although we are so unfaithful, he is still so faithful. Constantly I am the prodigal son who is leaving and coming back. Leaving and coming back. I am so unworthy to be loved by God.

Forgiveness. Such a hard concept to grasp. When you are hurt, you want nothing more than revenge. Unfortunately God doesn't work that way. He is a God of grace and mercy. Which is actually really great. So it's not really that unfortunate. I'm learning to forgive. Although it would just be much easier not to. But if I don't, I will have a massive wall between me and the Lord, and that is the last thing I need right now.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

-Lesson of the summer

Went to Dominican Republic for the fifth time. This was a different place with new people and new opportunities. The men built a church for the children while the women actually played with them. It was nice to get away.

I have had two friends constant this whole summer. Sarah and Matty. They are perfect. And I am so glad that I had them. Otherwise, I would be alone and crying all the time. We have done everything together. We have gone to dirt track races and tubed on boats. They have talked to me about my problems and pretended like they never got bored. They are seriously amazing.

Lastly, my job has been amazing. Who knew that one could learn so much from a bunch of middle schoolers. We will be leaving for Beautiful Feet on Tuesday. I am so excited. I pray that God does some great things on this trip. The other day I found out that not only do I get to be a chaperone/intern on this trip, but the last 3 days I actually get to be in charge because Matt will be leaving to go back home. Haha. This will be fun.

So this was a lot of random stuff packed into one huge blog. Maybe I will elaborate soon. But for now, that is all I got. I need an attitude change, less bitterness, and more forgiveness. It's not impossible. God has always been good and will continue to be.

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

Finals

It's 4:11 in the morning. I should have been studying for this Art History final, but I was just unable to focus on anything. Too much going on. I just want to be done. So since I couldn't focus on that, I just figured it would be best to try to sleep, but I couldn't do that either. So I then, I decided that I would just get up and work on studying until my 8:00am final. But instead, I am blogging. And now that I am sitting here blogging, I don't even know what to say.

It's storming outside right now. Apparently, it's supposed to get really bad. At least that's what our personal weather man said. Hopefully, we won't get blown away. And especially during exam week. I would hate for finals to be cancelled. That would be just awful.

I got a new phone. Samsung Galaxy. Best thing that has ever happened to me. Besides my nook. Well, I don't know. They run a close race. Anyway, finally in the 21st century. Feels good. I never knew how much I was actually missing by not having a "smart phone". I just got the Pandora app on my phone. Can't explain how awesome I think that is.

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust O my God. Do not let me be put to shame nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Psalm 25:1-3

-Trust. Easier said than done.

Questions

God? Are you still there?

-Lauren

Whew.

Haven't blogged in a while. But not a lot has gone on really. My birthday was Tuesday but my birthday week started on Monday and will continue through Sunday. I have been having to deal with a lot of things spiritually as well. But that's been about it.

My mom came up on Monday and she spent the day with me for my birthday. We went to eat lunch at Stromboli's and then went to Columbus to Book-A-Million for my nook! That I am now completely obsessed with. It's almost embarrassing. But you can do all kinds of things on a nook. You can get on Facebook, play Sudoku, read, listen to music, etc. It's multifunctional and great. Then on Tuesday, I woke up to our living room completely decorated in red streamers and balloons and a red carpet (because I am a star!). Andrea and Tracy had stayed up until six that morning decorating for my birthday. They are so dedicated and I love them. I went to my car to drive to class and they had even filled my car with balloons. That night I was alone because everyone had night class but it was totally made up for with Andrea's homemade ice cream cake. Krista gave me some precious earrings that I love and I got a note from Andrea, Tracy, and Brittany saying that their gift would be in soon. Wednesday, tornadoes were about. But did that stop everyone from taking me out for my birthday dinner? No way. We went to Grumpy's for BBQ but left a little early because there was a monsoon brewing outside. So Tracy, Andrea, Tyler, and I came home for a huge round of Guesstures. Best round yet because Andrea and I finally got to win. However, Tyler was able to officially win everyone over with his belly dancing. Today, has been the greatest day ever. Because Andrea, Tracy, and Brittany's gift finally came in. They got me an eno!!!!!! Red. Just the color I wanted. It's so beautiful. But I couldn't even go outside to play with it because it was once again storming outside. But I know what I will be doing ALL weekend long.

Tomorrow, I go home for Easter. I can't wait because I haven't been back to Madison since Spring Break. Well, it's definitely not Madison that I miss but I really miss my family and friends. So I'm excited I am going to see them. My mom and I are actually going to look at new phones when I get home tomorrow. I think I am finally going to be up to date with the 21st century.

Lots of spiritual stuff has been going on. I have been angry about a lot of things lately. Things that I have no control over. But lately, God has put my anger to rest and once again I am back to square one learning to trust again. I am going to be starting my new job as middle school intern soon. May 2 to be exact. I will being going lots of places and talking to a lot of people and doing lots of stuff this summer. I know I am in for a great time of spiritual learning and I am more than ready now. God is great. So I am praying that He would give me an open heart/mind and that He would continue to guide me in His will.

Super Bulldog Weekend

Haven't updated in a while. But this weekend was Super Bulldog Weekend. Sarah came up. We went dancing. Watched some good ole football. It was a lot of fun. I haven't been home since spring break. Which hasn't been all bad, but I miss my fam. My mom has come up once. And I will be home for Easter. Then I come back for exams and it's back home for the summer. I think that it is going to be a memorable summer to say the least. Taking classes, new job, friends, etc.

Pictures from the weekend. :)

When did I become such an angry person?

Whew.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4

If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you, to some extent-- not to put it too severely. the punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven-- if there was anything to forgive-- I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. -2 Corinthians 2:5-11



To be honest, I'm not really sure what I am supposed to be doing with these verses. But I know the Lord has put them on my heart for a reason. Because as much as I keep wanting to put them in the back of my mind, they just keep coming up. I am praying that God would give me a clear vision, show me how to use these verses, and what needs to be my next plan of action.

Update.

The Lord continues to open doors. I found out earlier last week that I get to be the new Middle School intern for Ridgecrest. Pretty darn excited. The Lord has been doing great things in my life lately. I'm excited to see what kinds of doors He opens up for me next.

major

major has officially been changed.

looking forward to the things God has in store.

SB '11

I finally feel peaceful. It's a nice feeling. Although, I would be better if I didn't have to study for this test that I have tomorrow. The very first day back from Spring Break.

It feels so nice to be back in Starkville. I miss this place when I am gone. And I REALLY miss my gorgeous roommates while I am gone. It's sad because we all seem to have this separation anxiety of sorts when we are away from each other for a long period of time. But we are finally all back together. Good feeling.

This was an exciting week. I got my dents fixed and my car painted this past week. It's back to being beautiful. But other than that not much happened this week. Everyone was gone pretty much so I just worked and hung out with the fam. It was nice not having a lot to do though. I was able to relax. Catch up on some sleep.

God is still working. Opening up doors that I never even imagined. It's exciting though. Just praying that He would continue to show me His will. Praying that He would guide me and that He would help to make the most of all the opportunities that He gives me. Tomorrow I will officially be a psychology major. Which is exciting because I feel like that is where He is leading me. He is good.

Hm..

Something is not quite right. The stories don't add up. So who is right?

I take comfort in the fact that the Lord will never leave me, however. He sure hasn't yet. He has brought me out of a lot of spiritual struggle. Given me a sense of peace more than I have ever had. Although, I still am unable to wrap my mind around what is happening, I trust that the Lord has everything under control. He does the impossible.

Psychology

Well, looks like the Lord is asking me to turn in my major change form today. The Lord wants me to be a psychologist I guess. Interesting path. Never saw it coming. But I suppose we will see where He is leading me. I'm excited!! Well, mixed feelings. But overall excited to see what He is going to be doing in me the last few years of my college career. Sorta nervous. Although, I shouldn't be. He has everything under control. So when I need a job when I get out of college, He will provide.

That is all.

SuckAtTitles

I don't even know where to start. This weekend has been a long weekend. Encouraging but difficult to say the least. And even after it, I still don't know where I am really. I am sort of just a mess. I don't necessarily mean to be so much. But I feel like I have been so clouded spiritually these past few days and I am not sure how to get back on track. I have done my best to stay faithful but still things seem to keep falling. And maybe that is just me being emotional and whiny. But at this point, I feel so lost and I am not sure where to go from here.

But in the end, I can be encouraged by the fact that God is always victorious and no matter what kind of "funk" I seem to be in, He will get me through it by keeping me strong no matter what. And because I know that, I must praise Him no matter what kind of "funk" I feel like I am in.

I don't mean to sound so whiny and depressed all the time in all my blogs. But it is sort of a nice way to write all my thoughts down and vent, I suppose.

And... On a lighter note, Lyndi. I had the privilege of spending a lot of time with her this weekend. If anything good came out of going home this weekend, it was definitely her. We don't get to talk/see each other often, but when we do, I can always count on her blessing me in some special way. I am always reminded of why I fell in love with her a long time ago in the second grade in the first place. So.. Shout out to Baby Lyn Lyn Moore.

Also, I got a hair cut this weekend. And it's special because it happens to be a bigger change than I was expecting. I got bangs. Which.. I am just not remembering that my hairstylist told me that it's is called "fringe" now. So I guess I actually got fringe. Well, when Bekah saw me, I don't think she realized it was me. I asked her if she liked it and the precious girl promptly shook her head no. Gotta love that honestly. But they have already been cut. So I am going to be rocking the "fringe" for a while. Sorry Bek.

A lot of times, it's hard being back home. Because when I am home, like every good mother, my mother worries. So when I am not home by 1:00a.m. or before, she starts to worry. I was talking to Matty in the parking lot of the movie theater when the darling woman text me and told me to "come home because I was not in Starkville." She's right. I'm not in Starkville, but I am almost 20 years old. Summer is coming up soon. She and I might have to have a talk. Never a dull moment.

God is good, but learning to trust and stay faithful is hard.

Title

Today, we found out that one of Tracy and Andrea's friends from Olive Branch was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. They seem to be taking it better than I expected. But all the sudden, I feel like life seems so short. Or maybe more that I am just taking it for granted. God could take away my life any given second, and instead I spend my time worrying about stupid stuff or doing stupid stuff. Why am I not more excited to wake up every morning? Why does it seem like such a chore to have to get up and actually do stuff everyday? God gave us the day. He gives us the opportunity to start over fresh every single morning and yet I don't really care or appreciate it. I bet the people who are sitting in the hospital right now dying from a fatal illness sure appreciate what God gives them every morning. It just sort of sucks to think that for most people, that's what it take to actually appreciate life. So many times do I hear people ask "what the point of life is". In truth, the point is to serve God fully. But what do we do instead? We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't even think about Him on a daily basis. Then we get mad when things don't go our way. But if we had the Lord and served Him fully and daily, I bet our attitudes would be completely different. We would have more joy in our hearts. We wouldn't wonder what the point of our life was. And maybe things would start going our way more.. Or rather God's way. Which is the best way in the first place. I am so selfish. Very very selfish. Today has been a very thoughtful day, I suppose. Plan of action? Change my attitude. Love the Lord more. Know Him more intimately. Serve Him with a more servant heart. Have more faith. Trust Him more. Learn to do what is more right in His eyes and not my own. Lastly, learn to be more obedient. I'm not very good at letting go of control.

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The Lord is teaching me great things. All at once. I'm exhausted.

Pray for me.

Went home for the day today. Thought I had another inflamed eye ball. Apparently, I just don't wear my glasses enough. I have to let my eyes rest. Problem is.. I put my glasses on the other day and thought they were somebody else's because I couldn't see anything out of them. Whoops. So.. Got new glasses. But they won't be ready till next week. The old lady said the ones I picked out looked good on my face. And with my hair?.. I guess that was nice of her to say.

I'm excited about this weekend because Sarah Kilpatrick is coming to visit me!! Yay!

Tracy needs to blog. Always on me about not blogging. But now I blog more than she does.

Andrea is beautiful and I love her. She and I went to the Pet Store the other day. I found a bunny. I want to buy him. And Andrea was all in with me. We are going to name him Ratchet. Like the dance. Or the tool, I guess. I am going with dance though because I just learned how to do it this past weekend. But anyway.. Back to the bunny. He was white with grey ears and grey paws and a grey nose and red eyes. He was beautiful.

Oh.. There is another exception to the all boys suck rule. Tyler Weatherman doesn't suck along with Matthew Wilson. He surprised me, Tracy, and Andrea with precious valentine's. MandT win. There is still hope in the world.

Tracy and I went to the refuge Sunday. It was a big adventure to say the least. She was no more than a foot away from an alligator. That could have ripped her legs off. Luckily, he was sleeping. And he never woke up. Next thing I know retard is throwing big sticks at him to see if he will move. And of course at that point, I am all up in the alligators grill trying to get pictures. Bottom line: We are idiots.

V-Day

If I can't count on anyone else, I know I can count on Matthew Wilson. I know that all boys suck, but Matthew Wilson is the exception. If I am ever feeling down and out, I know that he will always be there to cheer me up. Thank you Matthew Wilson for being amazing.

Also.. I had the perfect valentine this year. Tracy Frazier. You are beautiful and will always be the perfect woman for me.

Happy V-Day everyone. :)

I'm blogging because it makes me feel better when I write, as I have recently discovered.

Except now that I am sitting here trying to write, I have nothing to say. I feel like such a wreck right now. My roommates have no idea how much I appreciate them for putting up with me. I love them.

I'm bitter. But God is still good.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day Weekend to me and Tracy! We have big plans for this weekend as lovers. Tonight is chill night. But tomorrow is when all the fun starts. We are going to wake up early, around 11:30, to go apartment/house hunting. Then, we are going to go to Dandy Doodles to hopefully make a precious piece of ceramic for the house. And then.. Here is where the ultimate fun begins: TITANIC! I have never seen it, but Tracy and Andrea have been begging me to watch with them. So we decided that this weekend would be the best weekend for that. I am just thrilled... Thrilled, I tell you!! Sunday morning we will go to church and then we will go the refuge after that. Which might actually be what I am most excited about.

Lately, God has been speaking to me in big ways. One of which is a major change. I might be changing my major completely out of the art department. God willing, I might be changing to psychology. I am going to talk to the psychology department probably sometime next weekend. I am still praying and listening to see where the Lord is leading me. I'm excited to see what He has in store for me.

Lastly, Andrea and Mikey just got back to the apartment for the weekend. I love them both, but the lovey-dovey-kissy stuff makes me want to VOMIT!!! Luckily, Tracy and I are in this together though. V-Day sucks, needless to say. :)

Eh.

Well, the big "meeting" was last night with Krista. Went well. A lot better than the three of us had expected. By the end of the meeting, the only thing that I realized about her was that she is just weird. I have never met anyone like her before in my life. Which is fine. I just seriously wonder how she is going to make it in the real world with her being the way she is. But all we were really concerned about was resolving all the unsaid tension, which was what happened. So praise Him for that.

I'm about to go take a Spanish test. Which, I'm a beast at Spanish, so I'm not too worried. Really I'm more excited because I know that this will be more of a GPA booster for me.

It's also supposed to snow 2-3 inches tonight. I am having mixed feelings about it though. Mainly I just want it to be bathing suit weather. But then again.. A Thursday off of school would be cool too. But then again, we are just going to have to make it up on another saturday. So not really sure how I feel about all this weather. But really, the weather is going to do what it wants and not really consider my feelings. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm done whining.

Roommate Issues

Today was interesting to say the least. After five days of having no Krista, it's been sort of hard to get used to having her back. She wasn't even home ten minutes before she made me want to punch her in the face. However, now... I just feel sorry for her. And I feel conviction for the way we have talked about her and the hard heart I have had for her lately. Although, some might think the hard heart towards her is pretty understandable, God sees it differently. I should have a loving heart for everyone even when I feel I am done wrong.

We are having a "family meeting" with her tomorrow night. We are tired of walking on egg shells around her just to ease the tension. But I know that this family meeting will be different over all the others. This meeting will include everything that we have had a problem with from the very beginning. We won't be holding anything back. She will know exactly how we feel, and I hope we will know exactly how she feels without any misunderstanding. She feels like we are taking her the wrong way when she points things out to us, so this is going to be the time to get everything out in the open without any misunderstandings on either of our parts. I sort of hate that it has come to this because over the summer when we hung out a little bit, I felt really good about her. I could tell she was kinda weird, but I didn't think it was anything we couldn't work with.

I pray for her though. I pray that she would come to our meeting with an open mind. That she would hopefully see that we aren't out to get her but rather resolve things with her. Come to more of an understanding. I pray for our meeting. That God would just have His hand over it. That He would move the meeting in a way that would be pleasing to Him.

God has just recently taught me a lot about trusting Him in everything that I do and in every situation that I am in. Without a lot of details, He is teaching me to trust Him over things that I have absolutely no control over. Even though I feel like I might be able to do something about it, God is the only one who can. He is the only that can change a heart. Even when this heart is running from everything that it knows is good and right. I pray so intently for this heart. This heart thinks it is doing what is best, when in fact it is doing the exact opposite. I know God has His hand on it. I just pray that I would continue to seek after this fact and understand that I am just human. I can do nothing more than to pray and trust.

John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

Two blogs in one day...?

Work stinks. Like literally. Sessums has the weirdest smell. Like I think it's even worse than Rice. Rice didn't smell too bad.

This weekend I had Sarah K. and Matthew come visit. We had a lot of fun. It's funny because it seems like every time Matthew comes to visit, he always gets to experience something new. Between dance clubs and different movies, his horizons are being broadened weekend by weekend. My favorite part of this weekend was teaching him out to do some zumba. He looked just like a wet noodle flopping around. But he was pretty good. Sarah just always brightens my weekend every time she comes. I don't get to see her as much as a used to because she is now living in Cleveland. Going to REAL college. But I miss her when she is gone.

Switching gears here... Valentine's Day weekend is next weekend. I have asked Tracy to be my valentine, and she did accept. I was so excited. Lately I have been really bitter on love, but she always knows how to keep me motivated. I am so in love with her. Also, Mikey thinks that Andrea is just his valentine, but little does he know he is sadly mistaking. She will also be my valentine. So he can suck it.

Betsey is in Mexico. I miss her all the time. I know she is loving it there, but so selfishly I want her to come home. I need to physically back in my life. So we can take pictures together and laugh together and hug. I pray for her while she is there though. I pray that God shines through her to her students. She has such a big heart for the Lord and little does she know, I pray a lot for a heart like hers.

Ending words: Praise Him.

EMOtional

Once again, Tracy has reminded me to blog. So.. Here I am blogging.

But I don't really have that much to say. Mainly, God is teaching me some crazy stuff. Testing my faith, teaching me to trust, and rely fully on Him. I wish I could tell how easy it is, but honestly, it is one of the hardest things I have had to learn throughout my vast 19 3/4 years of living. I pray that God's will will happen and I pray that my eyes are open enough to see the opportunity and not pass it up.

I know I go on about my roommates, but seriously they are probably the best thing that has happened to me since I have been in college. Ever since last semester I have just sort of been a wreck and they have helped mend a really broken heart. All is not lost. God is still good and He puts things in my life to make me stronger. Although, that sounded really cliché just now.

Hm.. This post was sort of emo. And that's the way it's staying.

Hm.

I suck at blogging. I always forget that I even have this thing, and then I get yelled at for not updating it by my beautiful roommate Tracy.

Andrea's birthday today. She is finally a big 20 year old. I am the youngest one in the house now. I am just a wee baby. But as Sarah put it, "They are going to die before us." So the younger generation still wins in the end. We are going to go to Old Venice tomorrow night for her birthday though. Which is pretty exciting because I have never been to the one in Starkville.

I don't really have anything deep to say right now though. I got a call from my mother about a possible job for this summer. Which I am really excited about. But I can't speak too soon. For the next semester I will just be praying about it and seeing where the Lord decides to lead me during this time.

During this time in my life, old relationships are being rebuilt. Which is exciting and still kinda scary. Trust is a big part of any relationship, and once trust is broken once, it takes a long time for it to be rebuilt again. However, God does the impossible. He is working on my heart right now and hopefully that trust will be rebuilt soon enough Lord willing.

Well, I need to get back to birthday festivities. Done blogging and telling about my life for now.

The World Sucks.

I don't know if it was that I was so sheltered before or that the world has just gotten worse in the past few years. Specifically, the past two of my college years. But, during the past couple years, I have realized how cruel and just sick-nasty the whole world is.

Sometimes, I wish I could actually go back to high school when things were easy. Didn't worry about the future, didn't care whether or not I had a boyfriend, didn't have to wonder how I was going to pay off school loans, etc. Now I just feel like the world is sitting on my shoulders. And it's not like I am going to be able to take it off any time soon. I have to make it through college with good grades and without dying from lack of sleep, and then right after I get out, I have to find a job and work the rest of my life. Needless to say, the world is going to have to stay on my shoulders until probably the day I die.

Why can't life just be easy? All the time I wish God would just send me a list of things that I need to get done throughout my life. Places I need to go, people I need to talk to... You know? Just have my whole life plan written out for me and sent to me in the mail. Unfortunately, I think God has more of a sense of humor than that. I bet He gets a kick out of us running around looking like fools when the answer is right in front of our faces the whole time.

This past weekend, I led my first Disciple Now, and it happened to be one of the most amazing experiences in my life. Although, the middle school students went for their own spiritual experience, I was able to go for my own spiritual experience as well. It was something that I had been needing. God spoke a lot to me this past weekend. He also proved to me that I can be a leader. I also learned that middle schoolers aren't that bad!

Now, I am back at school. Really starting to crack down. Good grades are my number one priority. My roommates are beautiful people. Tracy got to go to her first Old Crow Medicine Show last night in Tuscaloosa. Such an entertaining show. She might have even found her soul mate on stage. Not sure. But, nonetheless, I got some good photos out of the deal and I sort of can't wait for my next show. I hated OCMS when Ben first introduced me to them, but ever since I saw them the very first time in May, I have a much higher appreciation for them.

Back to School

My mom told me today that I cost too much. Which might be true. But it's not really my fault. It's the United States' fault. The economy here is stupid in my opinion.

Well, today was my first day of classes. However, I had skipped both of them. The person who makes out our schedule at work apparently hates me. I got scheduled from 8pm-12am and then again that night from 4am-8am. I took a two hour nap in between. Welcome back to college I guess.

My life has been interesting the past few months. I am working on taking everything in and dealing with it in a way that is pleasing the Lord. So far so good.. ish. God is in control. If I can't trust anything or anyone, I know I can at least trust that.